The Brummie Challenge      Spring Sqwalk 2014

"As with the Blythe Bridge meander, there were gut-wrenching tales of other commitments and on-going ailments but there were 8 die-hards and stalwarts who were prepared to face the Brummie Challenge and skirmishes with the local Villians: Yuppy, Roadrunnner, Mid-week Tone, Stubbee, Malc, Tim, Wendy and Paul Hecky Thump.
		Tone was feeling brave and 'right 'ard' and donned his jacket bearing the Stoke City crest - he was up for a bare knuckles fight with any Villains, was our Tone. "Come on, youth, bring it on" ! Wendy was bemoaning the fact that she had forgotten her 'lippy' but she nonetheless looked as immaculate as ever.
After in depth discussions about congestion and poor traffic flow on the our motorway network, we set off from The Sun in Romsley, with Roadrunner lulling everyone into a false sense of security by beginning the walk with a beautiful stretch of tarmac - little did our engineers realise that the black stuff was to prove more alluring and enticing than ever before ! Leaving suburbia and entering the Black Country wilderness, we had our first encounter with the "Brown Stuff" within minutes: deep, squelchy mud ! This is Brum, lads and lassies, where the sun don't shine!! Tripping around like girls (at least, Wendy had an excuse, being a girl), we were pleased to overcome this obstacle with few casualties other than Tone bemoaning that his newly cleaned boots were now dirty ! Through some more fields and over an electric fence where Tone experienced the effects of a mild electrocution ; the trick is not to use the electric wire as a handhold, Tone !
			And then we reached the mother of all quagmires which claimed a couple of victims. There was a lot of hesitancy and the comment was made that perhaps bog snorkelling gear should have been recommended for this walk. Malc led the way and, deftly, negotiated the obstacle, emerging unscathed on the other side ; Paul boldly stepped forward and was partially submerged with the Brown Stuff overflowing into his boots.
Yup somehow managed to fall forward but saved himself by landing on his hands ; covered in mud and looking like someone from the Brown and White Minstrels, Wendy came to the rescue ; even though she had forgotten her 'lippy', she had remembered her hand wipes !! And, unlike the rest of us, Wendy still looked glamorous after the assault course !!
			Into the Wood via a couple of rickety bridges which had the Structural Engineers amongst us tut-tutting due to the missing floor struts.
At this point, the Brummie Twin Peaks Challenge was renamed "The Sludge Trudge" as the path dissolved into a quagmire in parts - such a contrast to the beautiful carpets of bluebells which filled the wood. Progress was slow but spirits were not dampened and the wood echoed to the the melodious tunes of "Mud, Mud, Glorious Mud" and "Slip, Sliding Away". At one juncture, we were treated to a section of pebbled track, much to Tim's delight, but this was quickly superseded by the Brown Stuff !
		A short ascent saw us at St Kenelms Well and the Prayer Tree where there was much discussion on its significance - Yup was all in favour of hanging his paper snot rag to the tree but was dissuaded from doing so on the grounds that his offering was not quite in keeping ...
We passed around St Kenelms Church which attracted some discussion over its age - Stubbee thought it was very old ....never one to state the obvious is our Dave !!
Arriving at Nimmings Cafe, via a welcome stretch of tarmac and stones, orders were placed for breakfast - the butties were the size of doorsteps and prompted Tim to comment that the bread was cut thickly so that their stocks would be exhausted in a short space of time, thus allowing the staff to go home early - spot of lateral thinking there, Tim !! Replenished (and restrained in the case of Yup who only allowed himself one buttie despite being tempted by the eat-all-you-can all day breakfast), we had a quick vote on whether or not to deviate from the original route and take a shortcut ; surprisingly, the shortcut was favoured, particularly by Yup who had taken Malc under his wing, on the pretext that he was concerned that he didn't overdo it following his recent operation.... the threat of more of the Brown Stuff and more ascent was immaterial ; Malc's welfare was his only concern. Bless !
			At the toposcope on Clent Hill, our guide, Yup, pointed out all the landmarks - ostensibly anyway. "And over here chaps and chapesses, we have the Malvern Hills" pointing with his "stick" in the direction of Birmingham ! How can you confuse an urban conurbation with hill country ?
At the Four Stones, crowning Clent Hill, Stubbee warmed again to his interest in the old and the ancient and speculated over the age and origins of these megaliths. " Either very old or really old", he concluded. We were all gobsmacked by the depth of his knowledge.
		Paul debated with Roadrunner about the whereabouts of the Malvern hills but both concluded that they had disappeared and were not where they were supposed to be !
Downhill, along a ridge covered on both sides with bluebells and then the ascent up Walton Hill.
	The large red ornamental chilli in someone ones kitchen window made all our eyes water at the very thought of trying to consume such a beast ! That would have reeked havoc on the digestive system. Again, Yup kept stopping on the pretext of looking after Malc - strangely, Malc did not appear to be in any need of rest ....
		Walton Hill conquered, the pace now increased as we ambled towards Pub No 1, "The Swallers Nest" (as they say in Stoke) for a well earned drink.
	For some inane (or, insane) reason, we opted to sit outside, shunning the warmth and comfort of the interior - both Tim and Stubbee remarked on the roof - or lack of it ! They will finish it one day, lads ! Promise !
Even the pints of Ubu Purity and Proper Job (inappropriately named in view of its cloudiness) and the glass of Pinot Grigio Blush (which Wendy mistakenly thought would bring colour to her lips) failed to warm our cockles which resulted in Yup shrouding himself in his coat back to front and making him look like he was an inmate from Rampton enjoying a day out with his minders ! Paul was also feeling the cold but made a remarkable discovery on going to the Gents : the hand dryers could be used to bring the feeling back in his legs which were starting to suffer from hypothermia as a result of his wearing shorts. Soon, there was a steady stream of bodies heading towards the toilets to get the blood circulating again....
		We were then off again on the last leg over fields and through woods - we encountered yet another quagmire but, by now, the troops were undeterred and pressed on regardless only held up by Yup and Roadrunner who were fascinated by some horses and their family 'members'.
			One stallion was of particular interest and caused Roadrunner to remark , "O, to be blessed like that" . Whereupon, Yup replied, "Yes, I thank The Good Lord every day". Big 'ead !!
We finally arrived at The Sun in Romsley where we enjoyed value for money main courses and pints of Breakspears Oxford Gold for those who were not driving.   Many thanks to everyone for making the trek down to Brum and for helping to make it a very enjoyable day out - remember 'Boys from the Black Stuff' - well, perhaps we should rename this walk 'Boys and Girl from the Brown Stuff"!! Steve aka Roadrunner "